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Book Jacket

0800759117
Trade Paperback
224 pages
Jul 2003
Baker Books

Dateable: Are You? Are They?

by Justin Lookadoo & Hayley Morgan

Review  |   Author Bio  |  Read an Excerpt

Excerpt:

Chapter 1

     Screech! What did he just say?

You heard me. Whatever relationship you are in right now, whether you are 14, 15, 16, or even 18 years old, know this: It will not last! Period. The end. I know, you are sixteen and sooo into this guy or girlóbut understand that this relationship will not last. You will break up. It will end. It will hurt. It will get in the way of your purpose in life, and it will complicate things and distract you from your passion and destiny.

I know, I know. Iím wrong about your relationship. Itís different. Youíre the exception. Youíre right for each other. You can just feel it. You have so much in common. You like the same movies. You know each other so deeply that you even finish each otherís sentences. You know what the other is thinking. It hurts when youíre apart. Congrats! But that has nothing to do with it.

Hang with me now. I know itís a bummer to think about and even harder to accept. You may even refuse to accept it. But that doesnít change the fact that itís true. I may believe I donít have to wear clothes to school, but that doesnít mean Iím right. Just because you believe your relationship is different doesnít mean it is.

Iím not trying to throw a Valium in the middle of the upper moment you have going with your bf or gf, but you have to accept this fact. If you donít, dating will destroy you. It will rip you apart piece by piece. Crush by crush. But when (and only when) you accept the fact that it will not last, you can totally enjoy this dating thing.

For those of you who are die-hard romantics who have bought into Hollywoodís version of Romeo-and-Juliet-teen-love-at-first-sight (movies which are usually played by actors who are on their third or fourth marriages, by the way), letís play it this way. Check these facts: Out of 100 married people asked, 22 said that they married their high school crush. Sounds great, huh? Maybe there is hope. But check this: Out of those 22 people, 17 got divorced. So 5 out of 100 people between the ages of 18 and 89 are still married to their high school sweethearts. Ouch! So you and your crush have two optionsóone, get married; two, break up. Thatís it. Get married or break up. The percentages speak for themselves. Still not convinced? Try this.

The average age people get married is 25. So take 25 and subtract your age. Weíll call your answer ďyears leftĒ (see formula below). Thatís how many years you have left, on average, before you marry. Now, write down how many crushes you have had in the last 12 months. Got it? Now take the number of crushes and multiply it by your ďyears left.Ē The number you get is the number of crushes you will have before you get married.

Now if youíre one of those hardheads who thinks, ďIíll show him. We are different. Itís gonna work!Ē donít do something stupid like run out and get married and then call me to say, ďSee, I told you we were meant for each other.Ē No! Donít call me after 2 years, or after 5, 10, or even 20 years. Give me a call after youíve been married 35 years. Then you can say I was wrong about your relationship. Youíll be about 52 years old. Call me and scream as loud as you can, ďI told you so!Ē I wonít hold my breath, though. See, getting married is not the issue. Anyone can do that. Itís staying married that is the goal.

Hereís why itís so important to accept that it will not last: If you hold onto the hope that your relationship will last and that you will defy all the odds, then you give away too much and waste your teen dating years. You end up so zoned on trying to make it work that you miss out on the best parts of the experience of dating. You set yourself up for failure. I want you to succeed. With the truth in this book, youíll know how to protect your heart and live with excitement and passion. Iím not knocking the dating process. I think it can be fun if you have the right goals in mind.  I just donít want you to put so much pressure on the relationship that you take all the fun out of it.  I want you to date, but even more, I want you to be Dateable.

Letís break it down and check some of the hardcore issues. First, let me tell you where Iím starting from. You need to understand some solid truths. Letís start with some basic things we can agree on:

 

TRUTH:     Just because you date someone doesnít mean you will marry them.

TRUTH:     Your dating experience will help shape your married life.

TRUTH:     You will date several people before you get married.

TRUTH:     Your spiritual beliefs have an impact on your dating life.

 

We can all agree on these truths. This is our baseline. Now letís look at what accepting ďit will not lastĒ as a truth will do for you.

Totally accepting that the relationship will not last does not cheapen it or make it less important. In reality, it makes the relationship more valuable. You know that you only have it for a short time, so it becomes more important to you. You want to savor it more. You appreciate it more. You learn from it and protect it. If you truly understand that the relationship has an end, then the sweet little things will become important and the giant ugly thingsólike how he didnít callówill become no biggies. Would you rather waste your time freaking out about everything or enjoy the time you have? You know it wonít last forever, so yeah, you want to enjoy it while you can.

Also, when you accept the truth, the pressureís off. A lot of lives are destroyed because of pressure to make a dating relationship work. If you believe that the relationship is meant to be, then you will do stupid things to keep it going. Thatís where couples can really mess up. You can get into a cycle that you just canít seem to get out of. You might get into sex to make the other person happy. You might try manipulation, violence, or using each other. You worry that your friends wonít understand or wonít like you if you break up. Or worse yet, your parents might get upset if you break up with ďthe perfect person.Ē Thatís just not cool. Donít let others force you into a relationship that isnít right.

Let me throw in a commercial here. Do not get your family deeply involved in your relationships. Let me repeat that: Do not get your family deeply involved.

Sure, you need to let them know who your friends are and who you are dating, but donít allow your dating life to get too tight with your family life.  I mean, itís one thing to spend time with your bf/gf at home or hanging out with your family. Thatís not horrible, but itís a totally different issue to let your bf/gf get so involved in your family that they are as much of a fixture as you are. Theyíre not your significant other. And no one becomes part of your family until you marry them. Making them part of the fam is way too much pressure. And whatís worse is that it can make you get stuck in a relationship you want to get out of, because you not only have to break up with your crush, but you have to break up with the entire family. Itís just not healthy.

You donít have to worry about any of this if you start the relationship already knowing it will eventually end. You can relax. The end might come this week or it might come eight months from now. Itís okay. Just part of the deal. And you wonít have to compromise who you are or what you believe just to feel accepted. If your boyfriend really wants you to have sex, you donít have to give in to try to keep him. Why would you?